Let's Pretend This Never Happened: by Jenny Lawson

Author:Jenny Lawson [Lawson, Jenny]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: General, Humor, Biography & Autobiography, Form, Literary, Personal Memoirs, Women, Essays, Editors; Journalists; Publishers
ISBN: 9780399159015
Publisher: Amy Einhorn Books
Published: 2012-04-17T00:00:00+00:00

Victor and me as Craig and Arianna. One of us is not even fucking trying.

“You know? The Spartans? From Saturday Night Live?” I asked, trying not to let the hysteria seep into my voice as Victor (who had never wanted to be a male cheerleader in the first place and still hadn’t forgiven me for picking out the costume) just glared at me. The babysitter stared at me blankly. “COME ON, YOU KNOW THIS!” I may have shrieked a little, and then Victor pulled at my arm to go because we’d lost our first babysitter that way, and so I took a deep, calming breath and said, “It wasn’t that long ago, Dani. Remember? It was in the nineties?” and then she said, “O-o-oh. I was born in the nineties.” And then I kicked her in the stomach. But only in my head, because that’s kind of how we lost our second babysitter.

Still, Dani’s saucy ignorance of shit that was on TV before she was born was still fresh on my mind as we drove to the party. I tried to clear my head by reminding myself to not accidentally show people my vagina. This is not a usual worry for me; however, the cheerleader skirt was made of a clingy polyester material that kept riding up on my underwear whenever I moved, so rather than continually pulling down my skirt all night long, I’d decided it would be wiser to just go commando instead. I was still a little nervous about this decision when we pulled up to Victor’s boss’s house, though, and as we walked up the long driveway toward the large home I quickly whispered to Victor, “By the way? I’m not wearing any underwear.” He stopped in his tracks and furrowed his brow in undisguised panic.

“I’m not trying to seduce you,” I assured him. “I’m just telling you so that you would, ya know, be aware.”

Victor stared at me, horrified. “Be aware of what?”

“You know,” I explained, “in case you decided we needed to do any really physical cheers, you’d be aware of the whole ‘careful around the old vagina’ thing.”

Victor paused at the doorway and stared at me, his mouth slightly agape. A small sheen of sweat was beginning to form over his forehead. “We are NOT going to do any cheers. I didn’t even want to wear this damn costume, for Christ sake, and WHY THE HELL ARE YOU NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR?!” Then I told him to be quiet or his boss would hear him, and that’s when Victor started shaking a little bit. It worried me, because only one of us was allowed to have a panic attack at a time, and I’d already called dibs. I wondered internally whether I should explain why I wasn’t wearing underwear or just stay quiet, because at this point he seemed so irrational I didn’t even think that I could get him to understand the science of panty lines. Then I looked through the beveled-glass door of Victor’s boss’s house and noticed four people on the couch watching TV.

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